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IlliniGuys Sports Spectacular (Weekend of March 1, 2025) Heartland Newsfeed
My friend Jim talks to middle school students about history. He starts off by asking what each of them knows about the past. “There are two types of history: ancient and modern,” one kid told him. “Modern is what happened in the last few years. Ancient was a long time ago…about 1970 or before.” When Jim told the guy he remembered 1970, the boy stared at him like he was a fossil. “Wow,” he marveled, “I can’t believe you’re still […]
What, exactly, makes fireflies so appealing? A guy once told me he figured fireflies and mosquitoes work together. When folks are trying to chase elusive fireflies, the mosquitoes take advantage of this to suck their blood. I agree that fireflies and mosquitoes probably cooperate. I don’t know what the firefly gets, but the mosquito wins a meal with mood lighting. Fireflies – also called “lightning bugs” – are actually beetles. Their flickering glow comes from luciferin, a chemical their bodies […]
With time on my hands and no summer trips planned, I’ve been reading a book of fairy tales. I’ve found many versions of the Three Pigs classic. Here’s a condensed story. An old sow supports three grown sons. She tires of feeding them, and tells the boys to go “seek your fortune.” This means, “Get a job, you slovenly swine.” So, Pig # 1 quickly builds a straw home and straw bed. The lazy hog promptly falls asleep on it, […]
I often eat lunch with a group of downtown buddies. Last meeting, we discussed our dating years. Some of these guys are currently unmarried, but not by choice. A few of them have something to offer a lady, but others might be disqualified from reputable dating sites. An uncle told me I should compliment each person who went out with me, but that wasn’t always easy. One girl had really bad halitosis, so I told her I always admired people […]
EDITOR NOTE: This column is making a return due to slow news cycles. What’s the most important position on a football team? I vote for the center. Some pay more attention to the quarterback or running backs, but without the center, they’d just be standing around. The center starts each play. Although his primary job is to snap the ball to the quarterback, his first mission is to watch how the defense lines up. And if he sees something he […]
Research appears all the time about monkeys. This, I suspect, is because they’re the second-brightest animals in the world. But, before we discuss recent findings, a little background. Orangutans possess outstanding visual memory. If they see something far away, they remember it. Near-sighted orangutans, therefore, may have short memories. They also boast mechanical skills. Sometimes they stack objects -- one atop the other -- so they can reach food. “Reaching food,” obviously, is a big motivation, followed by “reaching new […]
House confinement offers several positives. Luckily, I’ve got a little home office, and it’s a place I can go to sleep after my morning coffee. On Monday, I had lots of time on my hands, so I took an online test to gauge my maturity level. It said I was “childish, obnoxious, and apathetic.” It said some other stuff, but I didn’t care. I’ve also started cleaning out the attic. I found my old report cards from high school, along […]
With the exception of spitting for distance, nothing’s more fun than a good April Fools joke. Some people give gag gifts on this day. Not me…that’s what I do for birthdays. But whatever you buy on this holiday, remember it’s much better to give than receive...especially a depilatory, which I found personally quite painful for nose hair. Sometimes, I actually present real gifts, like games or coloring books. Just about anyone can spend hours with crayons if they’ve got pictures […]
Wow, what a horrible week. I haven’t been this depressed since my old co-worker married my ex-girlfriend, and he started wearing my senior ring. But, even during bad times, we can find things to make us smile -- even under home confinement. My great Aunt Connie – the one who smells like rancid gravy – isn’t coming to live with you. Fortunately, she’s not coming to live with me either, because I will not agree to financially support her pet penguin. If […]
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