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IlliniGuys Sports Spectacular (Weekend of March 1, 2025) Heartland Newsfeed
In the U.S. alone, there are about 78 million Baby Boomers. These are people born between 1946 and 1964. Every fourth person you see at the dentist, carwash, or leg waxing salon is a Boomer. This means that (1) we still have some of our own teeth, (2) we may drive around aimlessly, and (3) some of us grow hair where we don’t want it. Boomers lived through both good times (man on the moon) and bad (mooning cars). We […]
My cheap friend Buddy -- who’s tighter than last year’s thong—got married last year. Below is his advice. But my guess is, most brides would veto all these ideas: Location? Ask a friend with a big den to borrow his house. If you remove the furniture, and guests stand up, you can squeeze more in. (And maybe if you invite the neighbors, they’ll let you park cars in their driveways.) Invitations? Handwritten invitations add a personal touch, especially if scribbled […]
It’s been a long time since elementary school, but I still remember those cafeteria lunches. Back then they cost 27 cents each…a great bargain for a hungry ten-year-old. First choice on the cafeteria menu was meat. Most likely it came from the chicken or cow family. If not, it had been an animal at some point in its past. That meat was burger-sized, covered with batter, fried to a golden tan and drowned in grayish-white gravy. It looked like a […]
Body odor comes in all shapes and sizes, from all directions. The first culprit can be bad breath. Some experts recommend tooth brushing twice a day, and flossing. Some also recommend using a tongue scraper, but never in the middle of a party, especially if one is serving finger food. To check your own breath, lick the back of your freshly washed hand, wait for the saliva to evaporate, then smell it. Never lick a dirty hand, or one that […]
Yes, it’s that special time when boys and girls wave goodbye to the family, wait for the bus, then travel to meet a new instructor. Sadly, I once boarded the wrong bus and ended up at a senior citizens' basketball tournament. But that's another story. On the plus side, a new school term allows students to get reacquainted with old classmates and find out if the cafeteria still serves “mystery meat,” then guess what reptile it comes from. On the […]
I got a letter asking me this: “Dandelions will grow in my yard, even if I spray weed killer on them, or cut them up. But I have never, ever been able to raise a dandelion in a pot! Why is this?” My first thought was, “Why did somebody ask me? I know only three things about flowers…they’re pretty, brides carry them at weddings, and my wife likes to receive them almost anytime. (Note to self: Think about buying wife […]
It's August, and the weather's so steamy I'm now taking two showers a day. I also use deodorant twice daily, and I smell so pretty I'm falling in love with myself all over again. Speaking of body odor, long ago ancient people experimented with several underarm deodorants, including cinnamon and citrus. Then cannibals moved nearby, and found the smell irresistible. So, they originated the expression, “Let’s have the neighbors over for dinner.” In modern days, dedicated scientists tested underarm sweat. […]
Whoever came up with the idea of business must have been a genius. Without it, we would probably have no money, no banks, no stores, and – worst of all – no fashion. Business is likely as old as the first person who wanted to trade one thing for another. One Neanderthal approached a neighbor, asking, “How about me trade you this fine milk cow for your cranky goat?” The second man misunderstood…and swapped his brother for a cow. But […]
I've always wondered why they call this month "the Dog Days of August." Frankly, that puzzle hounded me. Finally, after barking up several wrong trees, I sniffed out an answer. Long, long ago (before “reality” television), ancient astronomers named a star “Sirius.” They called it the Dog Star because it was part of the constellation Canis Major (the greater dog). Sirius usually rose during July, and burned brightest during steamy late August days, when everyone sweats more than an ice […]
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